Im having a rough time with this text. I edited it tonite, rewrote a few things, but I still cant come up with a title. If anyone has an idea for a title, or what I can do to improve it please let me know!


Untitled

My burdens have risen to become,
illussioned behind this thought,
of what could have been.
Trailing me with a fear,
I have grown tired of consuming.

And I am,
finding myself familiar with thousands of little things,
Rather than dance,
I sing my song of secret,
in this place where you defeated,
any inspiration worthy of your attention.

Refusing me,
inspite of all sorts of invisible things,
that without you lay unawakened.
So that my reason for avoiding your eyes,
is because,
they catch my flaws.

Exposing the light,
and the way it shines...
is the same reason they will find,
that without you,
this idea I have of me would disappear.
With nothing left here for,
sustaining all toward which,
you will forever be blind.

Oblivious I'd rather keep you,
to all the other things,
which matter not in my life.
Without a promise from you,
that you will despise me when you are able,
and lie to me while,
reality forms itself before us.

I never pledged I'd be,
anything more than a child,
and it is not your place to mold me.
Accept all the things,
I will never live to be,
and embrace the things because of me,
you are lacking.
I will most likely always be,
nothing more than the darkness,
you are too afraid to see.



Poetry by Nikki
Read 713 times
Written on 2005-11-19 at 10:04

dott Save as a bookmark (requires login)
dott Write a comment (requires login)
dott Send as email (requires login)
dott Print text


Zoya Zaidi
Awakening, Disillusion, consciousness...
So many titles come to mind...
Take any one of them you like!
It is because the poem explores
So many emotions, you can't define,
That's why a title is difficult to find!

Since you are so sportingly inviting suggestions:
How about splitting the poem into three parts: exploring first illusions, then awareness & consciousness, followed by disillusion?
May be crisp it up a bit?
What do you say?
(I don't like to interfere with other persons thought process, but since you asked?)
A valiant effort all the same!
Nikki!
2005-11-20


blackestdaze
that line about not being able to meet eyes, because they catch flaws... that caught my eyes. well done with that. this is a good text but (since you asked at the top for some constructive criticism) i would like to see it shortened, i think the point could be gotten across without so many extra words. but, it's YOUR poem, and it should be how you want it to be, so just friendly advice here. the last coupla lines carried a punch too, an excellent ending for it. all in all, good writing :)
2005-11-20


penfold18
Beautifully written and thought provoking well done :-)
2005-11-19



I forgot to rate it lol
2005-11-19



another wonderful poem Nikki , keep em coming ,,,Eddy
2005-11-19