Some documentary, 3rd July at 4 in the morning, pouring rains...
Sorry to be critical,
but being realistic can not harm us
but might rather help us. None of us is quite content,
and there are many reasons why.
You did receive my love from the beginning
but did never answer it,
since all you did last summer was to cry for Benny.
Your relationship with him,
that you just couldn't leave him
although he just caused you pain and suffering by his alcoholism
was the first thing separating me from you.
The second thing was your affair with Sean,
which almost killed me, since I had loved you so much
and you gave what you had to him, - for nothing,
for a painful persecution by his phoney pregnant lady.
How could I then after such a blow and undeserved experience
even risk to trust you any more? I just resigned,
accepting to be no more than your friend.
The Bernard incident was yet another set-back,
you allowed him what was never granted me,
and I had to content myself with being just locked out
from your intimacy and privacy, while he
was taking liberties and even at the hospital
by our dying patient's bed, and almost boasted of it.
I had nothing personal against him, he did admirable things
by helping you in dreadful difficulties,
which I actually was grateful for,
since I, as always, was intimidated by my poverty.
He over-stepped it, so it is a finished chapter,
while you still are occupied with grief for Benny.
Yes, I have my faults and foibles also,
being too much burdened by responsibilities that I can not let go,
too busy with sustaining the eternal battle against poverty, adversity and age,
so that I never can spend so much time with you as I would want to,
that is maybe our fate, that neither of us can let go of our past and destiny,
but still I can't deny that you are part of me and of my life,
and that I can not do without you, least of all in my thoughts,
my mind, my soul, my heart, my everything except my body.
That alone has no demand of you.
Thus have I tried here to define and pinpoint
the complexity of our relationship.
If I have failed and done you some injustice,
I apologize and humbly ask your pardon and excuse,
but I have tried at least to be completely honest with myself
and made a truthful effort of explaining how I love you
out of the deep agony of constant sleeplessness
and worries for your life and situation.
Diary by Christian Lanciai
Read 1738 times
Written on 2007-07-03 at 13:55
Save as a bookmark (requires login)
Write a comment (requires login)
Send as email (requires login)
Print text
Our Case
Sorry to be critical,
but being realistic can not harm us
but might rather help us. None of us is quite content,
and there are many reasons why.
You did receive my love from the beginning
but did never answer it,
since all you did last summer was to cry for Benny.
Your relationship with him,
that you just couldn't leave him
although he just caused you pain and suffering by his alcoholism
was the first thing separating me from you.
The second thing was your affair with Sean,
which almost killed me, since I had loved you so much
and you gave what you had to him, - for nothing,
for a painful persecution by his phoney pregnant lady.
How could I then after such a blow and undeserved experience
even risk to trust you any more? I just resigned,
accepting to be no more than your friend.
The Bernard incident was yet another set-back,
you allowed him what was never granted me,
and I had to content myself with being just locked out
from your intimacy and privacy, while he
was taking liberties and even at the hospital
by our dying patient's bed, and almost boasted of it.
I had nothing personal against him, he did admirable things
by helping you in dreadful difficulties,
which I actually was grateful for,
since I, as always, was intimidated by my poverty.
He over-stepped it, so it is a finished chapter,
while you still are occupied with grief for Benny.
Yes, I have my faults and foibles also,
being too much burdened by responsibilities that I can not let go,
too busy with sustaining the eternal battle against poverty, adversity and age,
so that I never can spend so much time with you as I would want to,
that is maybe our fate, that neither of us can let go of our past and destiny,
but still I can't deny that you are part of me and of my life,
and that I can not do without you, least of all in my thoughts,
my mind, my soul, my heart, my everything except my body.
That alone has no demand of you.
Thus have I tried here to define and pinpoint
the complexity of our relationship.
If I have failed and done you some injustice,
I apologize and humbly ask your pardon and excuse,
but I have tried at least to be completely honest with myself
and made a truthful effort of explaining how I love you
out of the deep agony of constant sleeplessness
and worries for your life and situation.
Diary by Christian Lanciai
Read 1738 times
Written on 2007-07-03 at 13:55
Save as a bookmark (requires login) Write a comment (requires login) Send as email (requires login) Print text
