Doreen Cavazza

2011-11-18
Tranquil and serene. This gives me a feeling of open air and freedom and chances. Well done.

2011-11-14
Again, there is such an innocent sweetness to your writing. Heartfelt, sad and loving. The only thing that takes away from the experience is the grammatical mechanical problems. Other than that, it's a sweet sentiment where the feelings are made clear and easy to relate to. I hope you don't mind if I point out the small items that can be fixed to make this even more powerful than it already is. I mean only to help.

You mean Angel, which is the winged creature. Angle would be like, "angle the camera toward the tree".

Flys should be flies.

"Broken and confuse - should be broken and confused
forever shall I'm be" - should be forever shall I be

"that I em not in pain" - that I am not in pain

"Just cuz I don't show my hurt
does mean it's not there" - Just 'cause (not cuz) and how about, for meter's sake: doesn't mean it isn't there.

"you think that your of little account" - you think you're (since it is the contraction of you are)

"this is my finely good bye" - this is my final goodbye.

2011-11-14
I feel your pain. This brings about emotions that are close to the heart. The longing and the pain are clearly expressed here. There were a few mechanical things I noticed that can be corrected, and I hope you don't mind if I point them out. This is a piece that many can relate to. Nice job.

I think you mean minutes being as of time, not music.
Also, 'excape' is spelled 'escape'.

"I'm so unhappy and I been here awhile"
Should be ...I've been here....

"nothings real with out you"
should be nothing's (since this is the contraction of nothing is) and 'without' should be one word.

"but what else can i do"
Capitalize the I.

2011-05-20
Nice beginning. I like the way it starts off right away. I think it hooks the reader in quite well and keeps a hold on them. I look forward to seeing how far the rabbit hole goes and to where it might lead. Nice job. :)

2011-05-19
This is so beautiful. The imagery is so vivid and wonderful. The rhythm is well done. Overall, it's breathy and light, it sings of spring and outdoor fresh air. I love this.

2011-05-15
Dark and haunting. I feel a combination of sadness and a fury, of a responsibility that must be followed. It's strong and passionate. A very nice write. I love the feelings this brings on when read.

2011-04-29
I think it might possibly be both an opinion and a feeling. There's that tickle that happens in the pit of your stomach making the corners of your mouth turn up, and the woozy feeling in your legs as you cross the floor closer to them...
This is a lovely piece, romantic and sweet. Nicely done.

2011-04-29
Ooo I like this. One summer, I had left my car window open overnight. I got in the car to get the kids to school in the morning. I reached the end of the block, and when I turned to my right, I saw a spider web that took up the entire passenger side, front window and had a quarter-sized spider in the middle. I drove as carefully as I could to not disturb her. :) This is vivid and shows the painstaking detail these creatures take in their endeavor and a tribute to their grace. It's a wonderful piece.

2011-04-28
I like the images this conjures. It has a light, fresh air feeling when read. Very well done.

2011-04-28
A story well told with much emotion and impact. Nice job.

2011-04-28
So few words, so much impact and meaning behind them. Very well done.

2011-04-28
This is absolutely fabulous. The imagery is spot on. It reads so smoothly, it sings.

"Rivers ran like bright snakes through cities
running red with flamboyance
and wild ants at the bottom of stairs."

What a fantastic line, though they're all terrific. I like the way this feels overall. A very good write.

2011-04-28
I love the way this flows. The imagery is strong and the rhyme doesn't feel forced. This is a nice piece.

2011-04-24
Hehe. This brought a chuckle. Very cute. :)

2011-04-20
This is passionate and packed with emotion. One can easily relate to the message here. Perfectly executed.

2011-04-20
Nicely done. It's playful and fun.

2011-04-20
Beautiful imagery. This one gave me goosebumps. It's haunting and passionate. Fabulous creation!

2011-04-20
I love the emotions this brings on. It gives a melancholy feeling that's wonderful. Memories come flooding in when I read this. Again, you're a master at putting words together in order to bring visual memories and it's wonderful.

2011-04-20
You can just feel the serenity and the wilderness in this. It's as though I morph to another place. You have a way with words. Beautiful.

2011-04-18
This is so sweet.

2011-04-18
Amazing that this has been read so many times and not one comment has been made. I thought this was thought provoking and heartfelt.

The trick to poetry is less is more (in most cases). There are a few words that can be trimmed in the first two stanzas:

I thought it might be
a blessing laid upon me
when I first saw your face
and held dear the memory
of your touching grace

I declare
I thought I would have to
search the world around
in a tangled mace
without red ribbons

This stanza is a little bit confusing in its meaning, and since I'm not sure exactly what you're trying to say here, it's hard to come up with suggestions as to how to fix it:

for your hair
it struck me home
that wall fell down
which I ever had done

In this stanza:

It seems to long inside me
a stretching winding road
with flowers in abundances

Do you mean it seems too long - as in too much?
The word abundance is sufficient. It's not necessary to
make it plural by adding the 'es'.


I hope you don't mind my suggestions. I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings; I only mean to help. The overall feeling of this poem is very good - longing and passion are what I'm getting here. This is good.

2011-04-18
Another sad piece, but don't get me wrong, I like sad. In the last line of the third stanza, you have written,

"but neither you or me where there"

it should be

"but neither you nor I were there"

also, in the first line of the third stanza:

"a blooded chain in a clustered hand"

should be

"a bloodied chain in a clustered hand"

Again, I like the sadness and the longing in this. It shows strength and weakness at the same time. Nicely done.

2011-04-18
This has a sad feel to the read. It speaks of longing for things lost and that loss is not noticed. I like the way this rolls off the tongue. It's haunting and descriptive. Overall a nice read.

2011-04-10
A rare gem. So little words, yet so much expressed. It reminds me of childhood--climbing trees, skinning knees and laughing with dear friends. So far, I enjoy your work very much.

2011-04-10
Your work here is brilliant. Your word choices are perfect and the flow of this piece is very good. I'm finding myself without the proper words to express how much I enjoyed reading this, but I didn't want to pass it by without letting you know how much I enjoyed this.

2011-03-29
An extremely thought provoking piece. I'm not sure I get its meaning, but for me this speaks of the underdog - the antagonist in the protagonist's story and of his demise. I like the dark, haunted feel of this.

2011-03-26
I really like this! I like the imagery of a couple embraced and enjoying the evening's rain storm and not caring that they're getting wet. There's something about your word choices and the way you put this together that gives it a certain sound--a certain feel. Nice job here.

2011-03-26
I'm getting a feeling of Christmas in this. Perhaps I'm crazy. :)
I like this.

2011-03-26
Nice! Descriptive and breezy.

2011-03-03
Beautiful! I love the message. It's not what you do for a living that defines who you are, it's what's in your heart that does. This is a wonderful write.

2011-03-03
I love the messages that are in this. A very powerful and deep creation. It flows so well and has a sad and lonely feel to it. I very much like this.

2011-03-03
This is absolutely beautiful! The read is so breathtaking and the imagery is so clear it seems you can just reach out and touch it. A very enjoyable read.

2011-02-23
So true how the backs of those who have rejected us also reject. Rejection makes us colder and often hard and uncaring. I like the way you went from sadness and pain and graduated towards hard and macabre. The darkness shines at the end of this. A very nice write as always, dear. Bravo.

2011-02-15
I agree, this is different from your norm. It still has a residue of war and fighting to come, but shows the softer side of the speaker. It rings of melancholy nostalgia - sadness of having to be away, but strength in the passion of the heart at the same time. Nice write. I very much like this piece. I like that you're branching out into new sounds and feels. Great job.

2011-02-01
4:30 am? What an ungodly hour!
I can see the visuals in this very clearly.

2011-02-01
We each spend out lives looking for something so perfect. Some think unconditional love is reserved only for blood family; not so. This has such a wonderful rhythm and reads so smoothly. This is a wonderful piece.

2011-02-01
Intense. This has your flair for dark and angry. I get a vision of a barren land, trees burned and the skies are gray. I can see the truth of humanity in this. It's not a pretty picture and you've depicted it here quite well. I do like this.

2011-01-24
Wow. Powerful. I can relate to this completely. We hold onto the thing with such vengeance thinking it is all that holds us together; fear the idea of letting go until we do, and at that point the weight of it is gone and gives us freedom. Very well done. Love this.

2011-01-24
This is so beautiful and broke my heart to read. If there was a way to mark this as a favorite, I would. Your words bring across the joy of remembering and, at the same time, the sadness in the loss. This is fabulous.

2011-01-23
This is the type of poem that I love. It reminds me of how alive I am when I read it, and how glorious nature really is. This is beautiful.

2011-01-16
Short and very sweet. Your words conjure beautiful images. I get a feeling of lightheartedness and warm light when I read this. Very nice.

2011-01-16
This reads like a dreamy lullabye. It's rich in description and flows off the tongue when read. And you capitalize and punctuate! This was a delight to read.

2011-01-16
This is very Shakespearean. I like the haunted, sorrowful feel of this. This is very good.

2011-01-12
Oh, this brought tears to my eyes. It's such a sad and beautiful write. I love this.

2011-01-10
Such beauty we see when we stop and take the time to look. I thought this was splendidly descriptive and gave just the right mood. Well done.

2011-01-10
A very nice description of fun and freedom, fresh air and friendship. This is fabulous.

2011-01-08
Nicely done! Some are willing to show the truth behind the mask, others don't even know that there is a difference. This is wonderful.

2011-01-08
This went straight to my heart. I had a lump in my throat as I read. Loss is such a hard thing to live with. Thanks for sharing. This is a wonderful write.

2011-01-08
This was so beautiful. It was wonderful and sad and happy and everything it should be.

2011-01-04
What an amazing write, and the last line is powerful. What a wonderful experience. I like this very much.